When I was young I learned about the man called Jesus Christ who gave a speech called The Sermon on the Mount. In the sermon, Jesus proclaimed the famous lines: “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” Those are powerful, just, kindhearted words.
Jesus added, “I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you;” and also, “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also. And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two.”
People who follow this compassionate man named Jesus Christ are called Christians.
There is apparently another Jesus out there. A meaner Jesus; one who the radical Christians follow. This Mean Jesus ostensibly condones a host of violent activities, from bombing clinics to waging wars. Mean Jesus doesn’t agree with Jesus that we should love our enemies. Mean Jesus likes to kill his enemies, and he tells that to people like Pat Robertson and the rest of the Mean Christians.
Pat Robertson is one of the most influential Mean Christian evangelists in the United States. His group of devotees, called the Christian Coalition (which we now know should be called the Mean Christian Coalition), has close links to the Bush White House and declares that it has two million members. If you want to know more about Pat Robertson, you can go to his official website, where you can, and I quote, “learn more about the man and his mission -- as a broadcaster, statesman, author, humanitarian, businessman and Christian.”
Well, it is clear that he is a broadcaster. He’s always on The 700 Club television show asking people to send him money. It is clear that he’s an author, because he’s written some books. A businessman? Yes, he’s filthy rich from being an author and “family values” media boss. And now that we know he follows Mean Jesus, we know he’s a Mean Christian. So that’s all clear. But what about him being a statesman and a humanitarian?
President Hugo Chavez is the leader of Venezuela. Like it or not, he won the office in a landslide victory. Now, he’s not anyone that I admire. But what was Pat Robertson, the statesman and humanitarian, thinking when he said of Mr. Chavez, “We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200bn war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with”?
Those definitely are not the words of a statesman. His comments were repudiated by the US State Department. And it’s definitely not a humanitarian ideal to execute the duly elected leader of a foreign country.
Mean Christians are now saying that the media is trying to stifle Mr. Robertson’s freedom of speech. I surely hope not. He has every right to say anything he wants, and I, for one, am delighted that he's saying what’s in his heart.
What I find fascinating is that so many people continue to support him no matter how obviously mean-spirited or downright foolish he is. Mr. Robertson reported that there would be no casualties in Iraq according to President Bush. The White House promptly denied that Mr. Bush said anything of the sort. Mr. Robertson recounted that in a meeting with Mr. Bush he told the president, “The Lord told me [the invasion] was going to be A, a disaster, and B, messy.” Mean Jesus is obviously very chatty with his Mean Christian leaders. (And he’s redundant: A, a disaster, and B, messy? C'mon, Mean Jesus, aren’t all disasters messy?)
Mr. Robertson twice said that he’d like to drop a nuclear bomb on the State Department. Not very statesman-like. He joined the other Mean Christian leader Jerry Falwell in blaming 9-11 on pagans, feminists, gays, lesbians, and other terrifying ghouls. In a fund-raising letter, Mr. Robertson wrote, “The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.” You thought they wanted equal pay, but they actual want to form a crazed coven of divorced socialist lesbian child killers!
Here’s another of Mr. Robertson’s brilliant observations: “If the widespread practice of homosexuality will bring about the destruction of your nation, if it will bring about terrorist bombs, if it'll bring about earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor, it isn't necessarily something we ought to open our arms to.” Gay men, can you please remember that the next time you’re on a date. The whole earth could be destroyed by a giant meteor, you selfish sodomites.
Now I’m not trying to start anything here, but I just re-read something that seems perfect for the Mean Christians. Jesus, the compassionate one, said: “Beware of false teachers who stand before you wearing sheep's clothing. Beneath their guise hides a ravenous wolf.” I don’t honestly know if Mr. Robertson is a wolf. But he certainly appears to be quite a fool. Perhaps he can at least remove the words “statesman” and “humanitarian” from his honorific titles.
